Changes--

I had expected to write this update tonight with excitement and relief...instead, it feels a bit like my heart is broken and at this house we are mostly feeling sad, confused, and hurt.

We lost our lot tonight.  The woman who has been holding it for us for months got a better offer--literally one hour before we had an appointment to sign all the papers and pass over all sorts of money.  Looking back, we probably should have signed papers and passed money months ago, but we felt confident in our verbal agreement and have felt very directed on this path.  So, I guess looking back we did exactly what we were supposed to do.

In addition to that blow, we discovered that all of our bids for building this big, beautiful and wonderful house came in CRAZY high.  Apparently construction is booming and people can (understandably and rightfully so) raise their prices.  We could afford to build this big, beautiful, and wonderful house--but with a heavy heart we choose not to. What if Mike lost his job again? What if one of the kids got sick, like really sick?  Do we really want to never travel or have money for projects or upgrades.  In a few years perhaps it's a risk we will want to take, but not now.  And that sucks. And hurts.  We decided after losing our house in Texas that we would never be 'house poor' again--and we feel like that this is the right decision to hold to in this situation.  WAA!  

We feel heartbroken and frustrated, sad and confused, and even embarrassed.  I feel like a total flake to not have had this work out--and I keep thinking of all the things we should have done differently. But, when I look back on it, I feel like we did what we were supposed to...so I am just going to pray for understanding and peace.

We are holding onto hope, and even faith though.  If one thing has been constant--besides the stress--it had been that we have felt the Lords hand in this whole long ordeal.  Nothing has come easy, but every step has felt like we were going the way we were supposed to.  And so, I'm going to hold onto that. For some reason we are supposed to be in this teeny-tiny apartment (I already know it will make me a more interactive and more patient mother!).  There is a reason we sold our home and left all our friends to start over...twice!  The whole thing hurts my heart, but I know that it will all work out in the end--even if I never understand it.  I don't know that we will ever understand, but, we will learn.  I'm determined to make the next 5 months full of learning and growing--maybe that is the whole point!

So, going forward?  Who knows.  Anybody have a house for sale by them they want us to come buy ;)  We are locked into our lease until Thanksgiving time, so that gives us some space to figure out what we are going to do. I'm going to try and get the apartment all unpacked and feeling like home so that it doesn't hurt my heart so much to be here. We are going to start attending the ward that we live in (we were going to attend the ward where our house was) and hire a realtor.  With 5 months maybe we will be able to find an awesome foreclosure or something. Or maybe we will find a totally lame house in the exact place Heavenly Father wants us. I don't know.  :)